Video project is going well. Very excited to dance at a wedding next month. Not really much to say. Days are editing and writing. And that's alright.
Studying willpower now. I'm trying to compartmentalize my motivation to take things a bite at a time. One more hour. One more rep. etc. Wrote more than I usually do today.
I got to go to the doctor yesterday. She was pleasant. I'd really like to not be taking meds all the time though. Still, it's helpful. And if it works, it works. Side effects being that I feel like I'm a fire inside a mobile glass statue. She said the side effects go away after a week or so in most cases. Wrote in gratitude journal today. Wish I could focus better.
Yesterday I did a lot. Today I don't want to leave my apartment. I'm going to make myself do something regarding my novel.
The picture used for this post is to remind me that shit like what happened in Vegas last fall happens all the time in America. I hate that. I don't quite know what to do about it though. It certainly won't be typing "thoughts and prayers" in a comment section to feel like I'm doing something. I'm finding more and more I have this feeling of anger towards humanity as a whole, and that's a small problem. I'm conflicted because I'm finally affecting change in my life and getting over my anxiety, and yet it's like there's a parallel ghost inside me. I get these weird feelings like happiness, but I haven't eaten too much over the past three days, and I have stopped sleeping for longer than three hours at a time. I worked this morning until I was tired enough to nap. I'm going to go into my other job after I get some more writing done here. (sidebar: first chapter of my book is finished finally, at least in the first draft. This may not seem very exciting, but I'm proud of it) I'm staying positive, but I don't like coming home to an empty house. I don't like being harassed into hanging out with people out of guilt when I don't feel comfortable. The nicest I've felt in weeks was last night when talking to this couple who opened up a rotisserie chicken joint. They were friendly, and talkative, and we were just kind to one another. I just want people to not hurt each other.
Was home sick today. Even so, I couldn't really get back to sleep. I drove into downtown. I cleaned up my apartment and rearranged the furniture. I got some recording done and got some writing done. Nausea is still around. I put on Pet Semetary and hopefully I can get to bed on time. I'm finding the best way to get over being afraid or reluctant to do something is to do it anyways. Sometimes that's an effort of great will, but how do you explain that to someone? How do you quantify willpower? That's a curious concept, but not one I think we could literally do. I suppose if the feeling of determination released certain chemicals in the brain you could measure quantities of that but it's not the same.
I got some streaming done today, second day and for the first time in weeks. I know what I'm going to do with the footage, so hopefully I can share that soon. I'm streaming Soma, and I'm thinking I should have a set stream time every week. I don't know how many times a week. I think I can stream whenever so long as I have a set time every week. 6pm on Sundays maybe? I'm unsure.
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So I actually quit smoking. Like, holy shit.
I spent my Christmas weekend with my parents a few hours north of where I live. In spite of this being Texas, it was still in the thirties, at one point making it as high as forty-five at the football game we went to before the sun sank and took any heat with it. I couldn't smoke inside my parent's home over the four days I was there, and due to some sleep problems I wasn't feeling like going out into the vicious cold for a cigarette as often as I might if it were something like seventy outside. So I had an entire pack of American Spirits last me the Christmas weekend, I bought a pack on my way back home, chain-smoked most of it, then got some 2mg nicotine lozenges. I've also cut out Redbull, so while my body is still reacting strangely to all the changes, I'm pleased I accomplished them.
You'll see more frequent posts starting tomorrow, but for tonight I'm going to decompress from work and continue watching Mindhunter on Netflix. I hope your holidays were merry and bright or what have you. Remember, be an individual, don't accept free meat from strangers, and try to stay positive. No matter how hard it is.
....the positivity part. Not the free meat part. Free meat is often hard to turn down, but I pray you resist anyway.
So I decided to quit smoking recently and decided I'd put it on here just so I have some accountability. I also made the image for my post a smoker's lung next to a healthy lung for comparison. Grim, but it'll help keep me going in the right direction. I've been consistent mostly to a new (to me) and deeper form of meditation each day. It's derived from a book called Condensed Chaos, which I will get further into later on. Trust me, it's not as spooky as it sounds.
I've been driving for Favor more lately. I want to take care of my student debt and have my weekends free to work on this website amongst other, possibly less savory hobbies. This weekend means a Christmas in Dallas. It ain't Austin, but it's still Texas.
I've kind of felt overwhelmed by the weight of this entire year. I don't have resolutions as much as plans, but this year just straight up sucked. I know that without adversity and self analysis, we can't grow as people, I just wish I'd learned the easy way. Still, I'm alive.
Merry Christmas etc. y'all.
Just a quick update. The streaming schedule has been interrupted due to the fact I've started a drastic change in diet. It's cutting out Redbull, which I have drunk nearly every day since the age 17, that's the toughest on the body I think. I hypercaffinate and that's a bad habit. In other news, thanks to a couple of holiday parties I've gotten more comfortable with attention and presentation. At one point I had half a dozen people turning to listen to me while I paced and answered questions, hands gesturing and properly listening to responses. I neutralized a situation where someone I love thought I was attacking them. I didn't make them out to be the bad guy, in my head or otherwise. And I kept my temper. I
Haven't smashed anything lately, so that's also good. Anyways, chef that I am I made crunchy taco Hamburger Helper. Stay tuned for news on my upcoming history/comedy podcast, new gaming videos, a couple book reviews and a few new pages on the site. If you read this far, thank you. This site means so much to me.
Hey all! Sorry about the lack of content so far, I've got a lot going on. I'll get more into scheduling on a later blog post, but it should be noted I try to be doing something lucrative between 0600 and 1800 every day. That's enough of a time sink by itself but add the fact that I'm moving at the end of the week and that I've got a million other tasks, and it all adds up.
Future blog post intention: Have a new post up everyday, without repeating categories twice in a row.
Hi there! I'm starting this blog to have a web presence and share the progress I make on my umpteen hobbies. It'll also help me to be consistant with my work. I worry about my self discipline sometimes. Anyway! Site is up today, and I'm excited for the future.